Another Monday gone, another night of Chris Soules and The Bachelor down!
In this week’s episode, we start to really see the ladies’ true colors. Ashley I. can’t stop reminding us she’s a virgin (the entire show revolved around it). Meanwhile, it turns out Kelsey is kind of a bitch, Britt has a jealous side (of Kaitlyn) and Ashley S. is a crazy person… But we already knew that.
So in true Bachelor recap fashion, here’s a quick synopsis of the 9 things you missed:
1. Kaitlyn gets naked. On the first group date, Soules takes the ladies to a lake for an outdoorsy, camping trip. Kaitlyn doesn’t mind taking her bikini off for everyone, including Chris, to “see her tush,”and we all thought that move would definitely end up with her getting the boot. But au contrare! She takes home the rose because she makes Chris “feel comfortable.”
2. Kelsey shows her true colors. While we were a little weirded out about Kaitlyn going skinny dipping, we’re glad it happened because it set Kelsey off to show her true colors. She calls the girls a bunch of “whores” and proceeds to go on about how she’s from Michigan where there are real lakes, not gross little ponds… But she’d never tell Chris that! As soon as he comes around, she’s all smiles, pretending to have the time of her life. “My face is getting skinnier from fake smiling so much,” she tells the camera in all seriousness. “I want to stab a fork in my eyes.”
3. ICYMI: Ashley I. is a virgin. I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but Ashley I. is a virgin–”a camping virgin and a virgin camping,” she tells us. Literally, the entire episode revolved around the fact that she’s never gotten it in. And in case you couldn’t believe she’s never been camping either, she was putting on MAC lipstick with her finger during their bonfire…
4. Ashley S. says she’s in love with Chris. Like we needed more evidence to prove she’s out of her mind, on Ashley’s second date with Chris, she confesse she loves him and that her feelings are very serious… But when she doesn’t get a rose at the end of episode, she promises she “feels nothing.” We, on the other hand, feel a lot about her absence for the rest of the season. We will miss you and your antics, dear Ashley.
5. Jade is our favorite. For the one-on-one date, Chris’ three sisters joined the show to choose who they thought would make the perfect Cinderella to Prince Farming (also the perfect opportunity for ABC to plug the new Cinderella movie). They chose the adorably shy Jade who was then pampered, dressed and gifted with diamonds and a pair of Louboutin “glass slippers” to join Chris at the ball at 8. And in case that’s not cute enough, she was to arrive immediately home by the time the clock struck midnight. Sigh. Amanda I. was pissed because she, and I quote, “is the real Cinderalla here.”
6. Chris was engaged once before. During Jade’s date, she reveals she was engaged at 21, but it didn’t work out–to which Chris surprisingly responds that he, too, was once engaged. Of course this sent me into stalking mode, and I found out he was engaged to his college sweetheart who looks a lot like Jillian…
7. Jillian gets the boot. Speaking of Jillian, she wins a one-one-one date after taking 1st place in a mud obstacle course while wearing a wedding dress (the 2nd group date of the show). Chris admits that from a physical standpoint, Jillian would be in his top 3 (because she remind him of his ex?). However, when he gets to talking to her, he literally can’t keep up because of how fast she talks. The only time she slows down is to pause and ask if she had “shit in her teeth.” Classic, Jillian. Despite her uncanny resemblance to his ex-fiancé, she did not get the rose and had to head home.
8. Britt calls Chris out. In an awkward turn of events, Britt also shows her true colors, admitting she can’t really stand the fact that Kaitlyn got another rose. So she calls Chris out on it, asking why he’d “validate” Kaitlyn getting naked on the camping trip by giving her a rose. He mumbles several times, giving no distinct answer, before getting frustrating and leaving. He punished her by giving her the absolute last rose at the ceremony.
9. Ashley I. is still a virgin. And she finally decides to tell Chris, who sort of gets weirded out and also punishes her (but not as bad as Britt) with the second to last rose. In other news, Becca is also a virgin, but you don’t hear her talking about it throughout the entire, fucking 2 hour episode!
Also notable:
- Jillian’s butt was still being covered by a big black box.
- Chris practiced his waltz solo while awaiting Jade’s arrival, and it was cringe-worthy to watch.
- Juelia and Nikki got sent home along with Ashley S. at the rose ceremony.
And thus I leave you with this:
- Comment
