IT’S (almost) THE EPISODE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! ABC’s The Bachelor, Sean Lowe, (nearly) picks his future wife! Squeeeeeee!!
But let’s start at the beginning: “I need an adventurous partner,” crowed Sean when he arrived in Thailand to meet the final three girls, Lindsey, Catherine and AshLee.
Sean, you own a furniture store. Let’s all keep this in our minds as we relive the highs and lows of The Bachelor’sepic finale. How many coffee table-related adventures could you possibly get into?
For his outing with Lindsay, they prowled a Thai marketplace and ate bugs. He seems to be The Bachelor’s own boogeyman, honing in on whatever his dates hated or feared and insisting they do it. If I were them, by Episode 2 I’d have started making statements like “I will not wear diamonds” or “Please don’t make me go to a spa or to the Louboutin store!”
But Linds, probably still humiliated by The Wedding Dress Fiasco That Will Live in Infamy, gobbled up buggies to prove her love, dropped the “I love you,” and earned a night in the Fantasy Suite. !?!?! Although, I think we’ve all heard rumors that Sean’s idea of a good time in the F.S. is drinking milk and reading the Bible, or whatever prudes do — basically anything but sex.
By the way, I watched this ep with my mom, a Bachelor newbie, and within three minutes she was horrified and (obviously) swiftly addicted, but baffled by Sean’s appeal.
“C’mon Mama, he’s got a super sick body!”
“Yeah,” she shrugged. “But, he doesn’t put out, so… what’s the point?”
AshLee’s date trumped Lindsey’s in pure white-knuckled terror as they went ocean cave spelunking, or whatever the hell that was supposed to be. I found their dinner-time convo to be stilted and cringe-worthy, but Mama Lester thought Sean was way more into Ash than Lindsey — what did you guys think?
When the pair were offered a Fantasy Suite, Sean admitted his burning, wanton desire to stay up all night with AshLee and… talk. But Ash beat him to the prudish punch and basically told him her chastity belt was locked, duct-taped and soldered on. BORING.
Up next was Catherine, whom my mom declared as “not at all into Sean” — and ya know, I have to agree. This entire season, she’s been the dark horse, but maybe that’s because she’s super whateverish about Sean…? I, meanwhile, I am whateverish about her bizarre taste in swimwear and coverups, plus the fact that she wouldn’t say “I Love You.” But, mostly, the awkward bikini thing. But she did accept the Fantasy Suite, where I hope to God they had a flat iron because homegirl’s frizz was out of control. And PLEASE lose that nose ring and your use of the word “hunk.” Double gross.
Then, it was time to do some may-jah thinking, deciding, and pec showing. The ladies made one last final appeal for his heart via video. After Sean woefully reminisced about getting dumped by Emily Maynard at the same point during his stint on The Bachelorette, he paid it forward to one unlucky lady: ASHLEE.
“He’s gonna be sorry,” declared Mama Lester. “And look at how badly Catherine feels — she didn’t even want that rose! She was hanging her head! Shame on him.” #wisdom
A furious AshLee stalked off as Sean ambled after her, asking to explain and offer “closure” — a word that really just pours salt in the wound of the newly dumped. Sean blabbered about their romance having “intensity” as AshLee glared (beautifully, BTW) at him and I think cast some sort of gypsy curse. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if he grows a tail.
In the end, a seething AshLee took her tiny dress and large implants and peaced the F out of Thailand with her dignity intact.
OMG!: AshLee nooooooo! Can you believe Sean sent her home?!
Thank you, TV gods.: When I think of how I want my true love story to go, it doesn’t involve eating cockroaches. But, it tickles me that Lindsey’s does.
Awk-ward: Lindsey’s stilted, lame admission that she loves Sean. Too bad she couldn’t have trained the monkeys to say it instead.
Hotness: Suns out, guns out! Who can get enough of Sean’s pecs? Not me.
Fab-u-lous: AshLee’s insane harpie fury as she left. Good for her. If I got rejected by a guy who owned a furniture store, I’d be breathing fire too.
Can. Not. Wait.: Um, Tierra AND her eyebrow with the ladies in one room? Prepare for some serious sparkle, bitches.
Celebuzz Meter (1-10): 9. Call me naive, but I didn’t think Sean would pick Catherine and her hideous bikinis over perfectly perfect AshLee.
Will we see AshLee on The Bachelorette soon? And is Mama Lester right — has Sean just made the worst mistake of his life?
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